Dog (Bouvier) Humor from the Bouvier List

Silly Donkey Stories from the Longears List

The Llama and Alpaca List isn't very funny yet. ...However here are some stories appearing on people's personal web pages.



THE FOUR TYPES OF DOG VOMIT! (author unknown)
  • YELLOW URKA-GURKAS--Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged 'uuuurka-guuurka, uuurka-guuurka' noise. ( this noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog lover who is hungover from a post dog show celebration at 3:30 am ) After mad scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside the episode ends with an indelible ten yard line of slimy yellow froth from the living rug to back door.
  • BLAP DISEASE--Dog exercises hard and a) eats large mouthfuls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or b) drinks a bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease). Within 2 minutes of returning inside the dog spews out large amounts of clear slimy liquid while making a distinctive 'blap' sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.
  • GARKS--Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic 'gggaark, gggark,' noises, generally followed by prolonged 'iiikssss' and then loud satisfied smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don't investigate, you don't want to know.
  • RALFS-- Appropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits til the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then with a single deep gut-wrenching 'raaaalfff' disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on the dining room rug. VARIATION: then he eats it.

In all the above events, the dog is entirely healthy and indeed deeply pleased with himself.

forwarded to the list by Judy & Milo
"Life is too short to be Bouvless"


A couple of years ago I took some of my bouvs to a herding instinct test. One of these was Cody (CH.Kinshasa's Code of Silence, HIC) who belongs to Heather and Tony. Herding was Cody's thing, apparently and he got very good comments on his test sheet and passed with flying colours. When I took him home to them, Heather and Tony were extremely proud of their boy! A few days later their daughter had Cody out for a walk on a flexi. Suddenly he took off, pulling her behind up on to a neighbour's lawn. There he tried to herd their lawn sheep! When the sheep wouldn't move, Cody tried to body block them to get them going and you can guess where they went - down flat. When the daughter got home and reported to Heather what had happened, Heather said she headed up the street, wallet in one hand and Cody's certificate in the other. She explained what he was trying to do and after a good laugh with the neighbour, made out a cheque for $85.00. She couldn't figure how to politely suggest they get leprechauns or something instead of sheep, but I think they got the idea.
Cody also goes behind the television to see where the sheep have gone when they leave the screen.


I took Milo to the department store to meet Santa today!

SANTA:  So what would you like for Christmas, Milo?
MILO:   Some balls.
SANTA:  Didn't I give you balls last Christmas, Milo?
MILO:   Yes. Nice balls. I need MORE balls, Santa.
SANTA:  And why is that, Milo?
MILO:   Because I only have a few balls.
SANTA:  I think you have more than a few balls, Milo.
MILO:   No, I only have 3 or 4, Santa. Really!
SANTA:  Are you sure, Milo?
MILO:   Well, maybe I have a few more. I'm a dog, Santa. I can't count too well.
SANTA:  Ok, what kind of ball would you like this Christmas, Milo?
MILO:   BALLS, Santa....
SANTA:  Ok, Milo, what kind of balls?
MILO:   Well, first, I need 4 new tennis balls. One for upstairs, and
another for upstairs so when I get it good and squishy, mom will have
another one to throw for me, and one for downstairs and another for
downstairs for when that one get squishy, and two for the deck outside, and
two more, one for when it goes behind the refrigerator and another for when
it gets caught under the couch, and one for when it goes in the toilet, and
two for when...
SANTA:  Whoa, Milo! I thought you said 4 balls?
MILO:   I meant 12, Santa.
SANTA:  And I suppose you would like me to bring your mom & dad balls for
        Christmas too, Milo?
MILO:   That would be nice, Santa.  See, Mom really likes balls. She'd play
all day if I let her. All I have to do is whine for 10 or 20 minutes or so
and she yells, "ok,ok, bring the damn ball to me". Then she throws it and
throws it. She just loves to play! Even when she's on the phone or even
when I bring it to her when she's on the toilet. And dad too!  He always
says something like, "Milo, stop bothering me! GO AWAY..Go lie down...God!
Get that wet beard off of my good pants, DAMN IT.....GO AWAY....G'GO FIND
YOUR TENNIS BALL!" He always asks me cuz he loves to play, too. Then he
throws it and throws it! Even when they're in bed at night wrestling, I
just bring the ball right up there and drop it on mom's back, and she
SANTA:  You know, Milo, Santa thinks you're a pretty lucky Bouvier.
MILO:   Yeh, I know, Santa. My Mom & Dad really love me. They feed me, they
hug me, they walk me, they take me to the beach and throw my green ball. I
also need a new green ball, and an orange hockey ball, and my soft ball has
a hole and...

Judy Singer

P.S. Santa gave Milo many new balls and a 1 year's prescription for Prozac.

Syd Saves Christmas by Michelle Phillips

Hello everyone. I had an "incident " last night that I thought I would share with everyone.

I came home from work last night a little early as the staff Xmas party was starting at 6:30pm, and I wanted a little extra time to get ready. Well, infront of MY house were 5 police cars, the SWAT team, and the canine unit. Yikes!!!

I got out of my car and asked what was going on, and one of the by-standers says, "Do you live at 1618?" My house. Great. So I said yes, and he says, "Did you know that your dogs just saved your house?" Relief just gushed over me!

Apparently two young men tried to break into my house, but Sydney met them at the front door before they could even get in, and that was enough for them. They left my place and went directly across the street and broke into that house. Of course my neighbor, who knows that my dogs don't bark like that unless something is not right, looked out his window and saw these guys and called the cops. It took the police 4 minutes to get there and they caught the guys inside the house across the street from me. I was so proud of Syd!! I know everyone says that Bouv's are great guard dogs, but she is so easy going, I always wondered if she would act appropriately. Well, now I know. She got extra treats last night. What a good girl!!

Michelle Phillips

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Gigi has become a trendsetter in the equine fashion world. It's just that her preferred attire these days is: A Plastic Patio Chair. Several weeks ago I had wandered to the far end of the paddock to say hello to Mousse over the back fence. Turning around I was surprised to see my plastic arm chair coming along at me on top of Gigi, like a howdah on an elephant. Half expected her to kneel and wait for me to board...

Then a couple of days ago a clank at the gate announced the presence of Gigi, this time making a necklace out of the poor old chair. She had managed to stick her neck through one of the arm pieces and was strolling about, unperturbed, attempting to eat some weeds along the fenceline.

We relieved the problem child of her burden and banished the chair from the area. But since I like to sit in that chair and chat with Jasper and Gigi while they eat the modest dinner rations, we put a rope on it so I can drag it in and out (I'm on crutches, and carrying things is not what I do best). Well, the first time I went through the gate with this contrivance Gigi came racing to greet not me, but the old favorite toy, her chair. Grabbed the rope and gave it a good chew before she let me get it back. Then bounced around. trying to get to just the right angle to grab that chair away. What's next?

Bernalillo County, NM

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            Jasper        Gigi

Hay Hopper by Emily Lee Phillips

The sun was getting low when Jasper, the ever-empty bellied burro, decided to check the hay tubs one more time in case some extra nibbles had just tumbled in while he wasn't looking. He ambled up in his usual businesslike way, put his nose on the edge of the tub to peer in, then shot backwards as though he'd been zapped by electricity. Pow! Approached again, zing, back he goes. Again. Whoosh! A fourth sally did it, he managed to ascertain that the tub was indeed, sadly, empty. Except for the grasshopper that kept jumping up at the shiny white nose.


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        Jasper   Gigi   Big Blue Chips
Longears off Rte. 66, in the Land of Enchantment

Jasper's Nativity Scene by Emily Phillips

Whirling spotlights, Joseph tottering along with the flu, Mary (played by Jericha) falling off Jasper's back and the end of a long week of [treating Jasper with] psyllium contributed to making Jasper's theatrical debut before 75 college dignitaries, their families and students unforgettable last night.

Kept on ice at the back door for 60 minutes of speechifying by academic spin experts, Jasper was pleased to scoot into the darkened gym at the Nazarene Indian Bible College. He allowed himself to be tucked away behind an adobe village consisting of stacked cardboard boxes. Nothing but a few wobbles of that structure gave the least clue that anybody was there but the snoring Joseph (Jonathan Bear). After the resplendant, white sheeted angel communicated the exciting news to Mary in front of the village, and prodded Joseph into fits of wakeful leg waving, Jasper crept from concealment and stood like a rock as Mary climbed aboard... and
climbed aboard... and climbed aboard.

Seems nobody had thought of a dress rehearsal. Mary and Joseph both became so entangled in their long robes during the leg up process that a popeyed Jasper offered to take off solo for his grand circuit.

The brave singer whose job it was to warble "Rejoice Emmanuel!" until the Holy Family materialized at the stage went through her repertoire two-and-a-half times while the Travellers got themselves together. Joseph was wobbly with fever, but he got Jasper and Mary halfway around the gym before the spotlight struck the Christmas tree in front of them. Fresh from the Ramah Navajo Reservation, this giant piñon is 15' high and and 12' across, every inch tinselled and lighted.

Jasper never saw such a sight before. He bounced. Down went Mary. ... More leg-upping, then a dignified march, all the way to the tree.

There The Boss paused for a sample of bough... Joseph struggled, the audience roared and the singer called for reinforcements at the microphone. Mary administered various powerful kicks and finally Jasper got the job done. As Mary slithered from the shiny black back, puffs of dust rose to surround the angels ranged on a stairway above the stage, .... an airy touch of folklorico. Mutters of "Nobody said Jesus was a Cabbage Patch kid!" were heard from Joseph's direction as the couple took their places among seven stuffed sheep and five little pigs.

When the carol singing came to an end with a last flourish of shaky spotlights, the college president advanced upon Jasper to express his personal appreciation. I handed him a cookie, he popped it in Jasper's mouth -- and splat! The donk could hold on no longer. His psyillium was working.


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         ¡Feliz Navidad de Nuevo Mexico!

       Emily Lee Phillips, 
              Bernalillo Country, NM
SHADOW DANCE by Jeanine A. Rachau
  • The funniest thing happened tonight. We have a new pole light put up over our driveway and it also shines into the pasture. Tonight as the donkeys welcomed us home, standing at the gate, Zoey caught site of her shadow directly underneath her. I guess she has never seen such a thing before, her strange actions caught my eye, and it took me a minute to figure out what had her so buggered.

    She had her head down and her rump tucked and she circled and stomped and shuffled and sidestepped and the faster she whirled the faster that black circle followed. She eventually escaped the horrid monster by getting away from the light.

    My husband wanted to know if she was just plain retarted. I thought that is was just a totally new situation, and that it happened at night which is a scary time for donkeys.

    Anyone else have an ass afraid of her/his shadow or do I really have a "mentally challenged donkey"?

  • SHADOW DANCE REPLY 1 by Allison Taylor

    The not-so-Mighty Oliver has been known to booger at shadows - usually not his own, tho. Typically it'll be a nice row of fencepost shadows in the ring, as the sun sets. He gives them a wide berth. What a boy.

  • SHADOW DANCING REPLY 2 by Kristen Anderson

    You should see the "what was that all about" looks I get when I'm riding Zak and he suddenly leaps into the air and flips sideways like a fish, because the sun just came out and a "hole" suddenly appeared next to him.

    Normally, he very carefully picks his way around all the "shadow holes", and hops over all the "shadow ditches", but the sudden appearance of a dreaded black hole right next to him will inspire nice airs above the ground from an animal who usually prefers to keep at least 3 of his feet in close contact with terra firma at all times.

    The one that's proving to be the greatest challange however, is his fear of weeds or tall grass. I can get off and lead him through just about anything, but ask him to step off the trail into any kind of tall vegetation and you'd think I was sending him into a pit of vipers. Every once in a while we'll be cruising along a trail and he'll catch sight of a Dreaded Killer Fern out of the corner of his eye, which will inspire the sideways leap and twist.

    Fortunately his evasive maneuvers are so brief that I'm usually still astride and only slightly askew when it's over, but it certainly can be a startling experience sometimes.

    Zak only gets out into tall grass and high vegetation when he's trail ridden so he hasn't had enough chance to get over his phobia yet. I don't ride through hay fields much when I do get him out (unless they've been recently mowed), and he's fine as long as we stay on the road or a path (except for the occasional stalk of killer vegetation that tries to attack him from behind). But, ask him to get off the trail (especially if all the others are staying on it) and carry me into the viper pit and he goes everywhere except where I'm steering him. My other donkey Hoover was the same way about water, but would walk through hay without a problem. Course he was older when I got him and may have already figured out that he could eat the hay while he was walking through it. Either donkey will follow me if I'm willing to get off and go first, but that gets old fast.

  • SHADOW DANCING REPLY 3 by Marsha Jo Hannah

    My donkey, Shadow (hmmm, this may get confusing), is also rather conservative about shadows. I have on occasion had difficulty getting her to walk under trees (i.e. on ground dappled with tree-shadows) in places she wasn't familiar with. It is particularly bad if the wind was blowing a little, so that the shadows move! For a really interesting exercise, try walking your longears across the shadow cast by a pumping windmill.... Or, having a plane fly over low enough that the shadow "buzzes" your critter....

    Shadow also tends to be almost freaked out by artificial light at night. If we feed late enough that we have to turn on her stall light to see what we're doing, she sometimes won't come in at all, or if she does, will grab a mouthful of hay, then pop back out the door to make sure nothing has snuck up on her. This is often accompanied by her dragon-scaring alarm snorts.

    Somewhere, I read that equine eyes don't have as much "dynamic range" as ours do (they can see in dim light, or in bright light, but not both at the same time), and that they don't adapt as quickly to changing light levels as we do. Consequently, artificial lights at night tend to leave them "blind" to what is happening outside that circle of light. And, we all know that boogers sneak up on innocent little donkeys from wherever they're not watching!

    Anyway, I'd guess that Zoey's reaction was a combination of the unfamiliarity of having light at night, the tension of not being able to see what was beyond the circle of light, and the fact that her shadow "moved funny". (Because the light source was much closer than the sun, the shadow she cast would be very different---projective geometry, photometry, and all that. Sorry, folks, I do "computer vision" for a living....)

Llamas and Alpacas